Living With Cancer

Over the past few weeks, it seems like everyone is dying of cancer. Two beloved members of my church have passed away. Former White House press secretary Tony Snow tied two weeks ago of colon cancer; Last Lecture professor Randy Pausch died yesterday of pancreatic cancer. I know it sounds paranoid and unreasonable, but when the news of cancer deaths keeps coming and coming, it really feels like EVERYONE is dying of cancer.

And as someone who has cancer -- recurrent cancer, even -- those deaths don't just make me sad for the families of the deceased. To be honest, they make me sad for me.

The thing is, though, I'm still alive. On the one hand, I may be dying of cancer. We're all dying of something. But on the other hand, if I'm more careful with my thoughts and remember the Author of my days, it's better to think that I'm living with cancer. As I was discussing this with a friend last night, we both decided that there needs to be more news coverage, more church announcements, more email updates and blog posts about people who are doing ok with cancer. Imagine hearing this on your evening news: "This just in, SO AND SO, who was diagnosed with cancer last October, is still alive and doing ok."

So, in an important sense, that's what this post is about. To let you know that I'm doing ok -- great, even. I'm recovering quickly from surgery (I'm getting ready to go on a bike ride this morning less than four weeks out from abdominal surgery), and I'm ready to fight this disease with a new round of radiation treatments beginning August 4.

Why does it matter to you that I'm doing great? For some of you, it might not mean a whole lot more than just the peace of mind that a friend is hanging in there. And if that's all this means, that's good. But for some of you who also have cancer or who know someone with cancer, or maybe you've just had a string of bad days lately and you're feeling down, I'm praying that the fact that I'm doing well today will give you the courage and hope you need to get out of bed and live today.

According to Philip Yancey, in Where Is God When It Hurts!, "Hope is such a crucial ingredient in coping with pain that I wonder if realistic 'success stories' can ever be overemphasized. Someone in despair needs a person or an idea, something to grasp onto that may provide a lifeline out of the currents of gloom."

One day, just hearing that bicyclist Lance Armstrong, a survivor of stage-4 cancer, was running the Boston Marathon gave me a mental boost for several days. And seeing my dad, my grandpa, my aunt, my coworker, and so many others go on living after devastating cancer diagnoses also gives me hope.

Even remembering the people I love who have died well because of their deep faith in Jesus gives me the courage to live well all the days of my life.

In Yancey's book, he goes on to quote Orville Kelly, the founder of Make Today Count, who expressed this quality of courageous hope well: "I do not look upon each day as another day closer to death, but as another day of life, to be appreciated and enjoyed."

All this and heaven, too? Makes living with cancer a whole lot easier.

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Will you please pray with me for my doctors who will be meeting on Monday to decide the best course of radiation treatment? They will be trying to determine the goals and the scope of treatment now, as well as maintaining options for the future in the event of another recurrence.

Quick Update

The ultrasound on my leg came back negative for a blood clot -- thanks be to God. And by propping it up a little while I sleep at night, I have gotten some relief from the pain. Thanks to all for praying about this with me.

I am so thankful to have been able to work a full week and to spend the evening with friends having dinner and watching a movie. Now off to bed.

Grace

It's been easy over the past few months to think about all that cancer has taken from me. Sometimes I am crushed to think there is no way I will ever have children after the hysterectomy. With all of the scars from surgeries and tubes and ports, and the effects of hair loss and weight changes from chemotherapy, I often feel ugly, deformed. Without the energy and strength to take care of things on my own, my independence seems stripped away. And then there's the sense of security, the plans for the future, the possibility of marriage, the feeling of "normal." Cancer certainly seems to have taken a lot away.

Yet.

There are some things cancer can never take away. And in a sense, despite it's best efforts to destroy me, cancer has really given me so much. Or, to say it better, Jesus has used cancer beyond my wildest dreams.

Saturday, my house was full to the brim of dear friends from church who were helping me with housework and yardwork. And after the hour and a half of work, we sat around for two hours just enjoying each others' company. Cancer has reminded me that I am part of community that loves deeply and serves generously.

This week, I have used what energy I have to go to work. A year ago, I was dreaming about what it would be like to not have to work. Thoughts were even crossing my mind that maybe I should find a new job. Cancer has renewed my understanding of the divine calling of work and has helped me see the kindness and commitment of my employer for me.

I receive or make about 8-10 phone calls a day to family and friends, not to mention the time I spend regularly with people I love. Like last night, when four dear friends joined me for dinner and helped with the dishes. Or like tomorrow night, when I will spend the evening with a friend and her sons playing in the backyard. Cancer has caused me to treasure every encounter I have with the people I love.

Today, when I got home from work and had a little energy left over, I spent about an hour brushing my dog, pulling weeds in my flower beds, watering my garden. These chores used to seem tedious, just items on a "to-do" list. Cancer makes me grateful for the mundane. It helps me take advantage of the time spent in the quiet of my back yard for meditating and praying.

I hate cancer. But I love the grace that God has shown me through this experience of cancer. I love this story of my life that Jesus is writing that oozes with mystery and mercy. I hate cancer, but I love Jesus. And I'm glad, in the grand scheme of things, that Jesus wins. Even over cancer.

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Overall, I am recovering very well from the surgery. One small issue I am having is some pain down my left leg. It's tolerable most of the time, but it has been waking me up and keeping me awake at night sometimes. Most likely, this was the result of a bruised or nicked nerve during the surgery. However, just to rule out the potential of a blood clot, the doctor has ordered a doppler ultrasound Wednesday morning.

More Good News

The pathology tests from my surgery came back today indicating that the cancer was in the one lymph node only. This means that I am definitely a candidate for radiation treatment, and I will be meeting with my radiation oncologist on July 24. Presumably, I will start radiation treatments within a few days after that meeting.

Thanks again for all your prayers and encouragement. I am continuing to recover and am feeling very good considering I am just one week post surgery.

Doing Well

Last Monday's surgery went really well. The doctor found exactly what he expected: observable cancer in only the one lymph node. As a precaution, he removed the nodes on either side of the malignant one, and will send all three, along with abdominal fluid, to the pathology lab to make sure everything is as it seems. This will be the last step in confirming the cancer is limited to this one location. If so (I should find out by the end of the week), I will be scheduled to meet with the radiation oncologist within the next couple of weeks to develop the plan for radiation therapy.


Apart from the findings, the surgery also went much more smoothly for me physically than the surgery last fall. My pain has been controlled much more effectively, and I have had to take only over-the-counter Aleve and Tylenol since Friday. My energy level and mobility are much improved from last time, as well. I was able to work from home today for four hours.


My time with family last week after the hospital was just what I had hoped. I had lots of help when I needed it, lots of distraction with nieces and nephews, and lots of time to rest and relax.


I am so thankful to the Lord for sustaining me through this latest surgery. I feel very hopeful with the good outcome and am seeking to live fully even as I walk through this round of treatment. Thanks so much for all of your encouragement and prayer.